The Truth About Mum Guilt: Why It’s Normal (But Not Helpful)
Let’s talk about mum guilt—the nagging feeling that no matter what you do, it’s not quite enough. You’re not the “perfect” mum. Whether it’s heading out for a well-deserved night off with your best mate or your other half, taking a moment for yourself, or simply feeling like you’re not meeting an impossible standard, the guilt creeps in. Guilt comes from the rules you hold for yourself. For example the rules you hold for what it means to you to be a ‘good mum’ or a ‘good partner’ or a ‘good employeee’ will determine how you behave and the choices you make. When we do something which we think breaks our rule et voila we feel GUILTY.
Here’s the thing: mum guilt is completely normal—in that you’re not alone in feeling it. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s helpful. In fact, it can end up holding you back from enjoying motherhood and life in general.
So let’s break it down…
Where Does Mum Guilt Come From?
Mum guilt often stems from unrealistic expectations. Maybe you’ve got an idea in your head of what a “perfect” mum should be—one who always knows what to do, never gets tired, and is constantly available for her children. Social media certainly doesn’t help, with pictures of mums looking like they’ve got it all together in their immaculate house, while you’re scraping food off the wall for the third time that day and trying not to lose your shit.
Then, there’s the guilt of doing something for yourself. Leaving the baby with a baby sitter ( or even your other half) for a night out? Cue the guilt thoughts. “Shouldn’t I be at home with my baby? What kind of mum am I?”
We need to challenge those thoughts and whilst doing so readdress the whole ‘Perfect Mum’ myth.
Challenging the “Perfect Mum” Myth
First things first, the idea of the “perfect mum” is a myth. There’s no such thing, and comparing yourself to this unrealistic standard only fuels feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
A good CBT tool to use here is thought challenging. Ask yourself:
- Is this thought realistic? (e.g., “I’m a terrible mum because I’m going out for the evening.”)
- What would I say to a friend? If your best friend said they felt guilty about having a night out, you’d probably remind them they deserve a break and that their baby is safe and loved. Why not extend the same kindness to yourself?
- Where’s the evidence? Let’s be real—taking a night off doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your child. The evidence shows that happy, well-rested mums are better able to care for their kids. Taking a break actually makes you a more present, loving parent.
Reframing Mum Guilt
Another powerful CBT tool is reframing. This involves looking at your situation from a different perspective. Instead of thinking, “I’m a bad mum for needing time away,” try reframing it as:
- “I’m taking this time to recharge so I can be the best version of myself for my kids.”
- “It’s okay to prioritize my needs sometimes. It doesn’t make me a bad mum, it makes me human.”
By reframing guilty thoughts, you start to change the narrative in your mind. Rather than seeing yourself as failing, you recognize that you’re doing what you need to stay mentally and physically healthy.
The Night Out Dilemma: Why It’s Okay to Take Time for You
We’ve all been there—standing at the door in our “going out” clothes, feeling a mixture of excitement and guilt for leaving the baby behind. But here’s the truth: you deserve time for yourself. Being a mum doesn’t mean losing who you are as a person.
Leaving your child with a trusted babysitter or partner so you can have a night out isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You need time to recharge, relax, and remember that you’re more than just a mum. In fact, by taking care of your own mental health, you’re also teaching your child that it’s okay to take breaks and prioritize self-care.
So get yourselves out girls. Your mental health with thank you for it!.
If you want more tips on how to manage your mental health as a mum then come and join my group A mothers Mind. We are a lovely supportive group. You can join here https://www.facebook.com/groups/2505900989448468/