What does Maternal mean to you?

What does the word ‘Maternal’ mean to you?

I have pondered this a lot lately. It’s different things to different people, right?

I thought I would start by looking at the google definition of it.  The synonyms it gives are as follows: Caring, nurturing, loving, devoted, warm, comforting amongst others. This was kind of what I expected to see. It follows everything you see perpetuated in the movies and TV. Those images of the woman just after giving birth staring lovingly at her child.

I then decided to have a look at what it gives for Paternal. And here are the words it gives patriarchal, protective, vigilant, concerned, benevolent. Surely dads are loving and warm and caring in the same way mums are protective and vigilant.  In fact, most of the mums I know (and trust me I know A LOT) are all those adjectives rolled into one. As are the dads.

We need to stop perpetuating this myth of what Maternal looks like. Is a mum who loves her career and is working hard to be a good role model and provide a better standard of living for her child seen as less devoted because she isn’t at the school gate? Does that make her then less maternal? Less of a mother?

So much of the negative bullshit we tell ourselves is because we buy into this myth that we must be a certain way to fulfil what society tells us makes a ‘good’ mum.

It is bollocks. You do you babe.

One tiny word with a mighty punch.

The word should is such a small seemingly innocent little word but it packs a lot of punch.  This is the dictionary definition of it: used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.

It brings with it a boat load of guilt and unrealistic expectations. Have a think about the last time you used the word ‘should’ I bet you say it more often that you realise.

 

When you hear yourself say ‘I should have tried harder to breast feed’ or even ‘I shouldn’t have shouted at my toddler’ how does that make you feel when you say those words? I am going to guess its not a great feeling. As soon as we say I should have, or I should not have it immediately implies we have done something wrong which then leads to a feeling of guilt.

 

When we use the word Should it has the opposite effect. Imagine saying to yourself ‘I should do the washing’ how does that make you feel? Does it make you feel more like doing it or less like it?

The same goes for the words ‘have to’ they also carry a load of unrealistic expectation.

So, let’s try a little experiment. Let us try changing a few words and see if that changes how we feel.

Let us change should for could.

So ‘I should be making home made food for my children all the time’ becomes ‘I could be making homemade food every day for my children, but I accept that’s not always going to be possible’. Does that feel different?

Or even

I could be making home made food for my children every night, but I am choosing to spend my time doing other things.

This takes back your power. Your choice. It eliminates the feelings of guilt and the weight of expectation.

Think of this scenario. You are feeling resentful because you don’t feel as though your partner is helping you out enough at home or with your children. Have a think of the way the conversation would go if you started with ‘You SHOULD be helping me more’. What do you think their reply will be?

Now imagine saying ‘I would love it if you COULD help me more around the house or with the children’. Do you think that would go any better?

Give it a go and let me know if you see a difference in how you feel but just changing one tiny word.

New Year New you? All bullshit right?

So here we go it’s nearly the end of the year and it’s that time when we all start talking about New Years resolutions. We all have the best of intentions to stick to that diet or to go to the gym every day but by mid Jan its all over and we feel rubbish because we feel like we failed. Sound familiar?

I know in years gone by there have been many a NYE where I have pledged that THIS is the year I’m going to give up drinking or THIS is the year I am going to get fit and it never happened.

So a few years ago I changed tack. I gave myself an over arching goal. Each year I assign a topic or a goal so for example my goal for this year is WELLNESS. Now I can already hear you saying ‘but is this not just another way of saying diet?’ well you would be right that food plays a part but for me this goal is bigger than that.  I am looking at my overall Wellness and making small changes around my diet, my water intake and exercise but it’s much more than that. I want to try lots of new things this year around supporting not just my physical wellness but also my mental health. Some I might try and stick with because I dont like them but others I will love.

Other areas you could focus on might be

A year of Travel

Now I realise in these current times this one might be tricky but if this was your goal you could start just by reading up on the places you would most like to visit. You might then start by listing places within your own country that you have never seen but would love to. You might want to look into learning a foreign language.

A year of Education

I have done this one before. It doesn’t have to mean going back to college or Uni ( but for some it might) it may just be taking free courses on line in something that interests you.

A year of Money

This could be getting in control of your finances. Starting by looking in depth at your bank statements, breaking down your bills and seeing where costs can be made. Booking an appointment at the bank and seeing where you can be saving better. If you have money to play with this might include looking at investments or buying a home.

A year of Relationships

Full disclosure the first time I ever did a Year Of… was around this topic. I had been single for some time and I decided this was the year I was going to throw myself into dating. I joined online dating sites and committed to being consistent in using them. And it worked because I met my partner that year! But for you it might mean reassessing relationships, looking at what needs work.

A year of My Home

You might want to look at improving your home or even moving house. Reading up on people like Marie Kondo and watching documentaries like the Minimalists on Netflix around how to de clutter your life and down size. Or maybe you want to renovate so creating pinterest boards and a time scale and budget.

So that’s how I do NYE resolutions. If you call it YOUR YEAR OF….. then you cant fail because it’s not an all or nothing situation.

Pop me a comment or a message on social media and let know what your Year of is!

 

 

Let’s talk about sex baby…tips to get your mojo back after birth

Let’s talk about sex baby… (I know it’s in your head now isn’t it? Sorry ?) When we are in the process of making the babies sex can become repetitive, a bit clinical and a means to an end. Then we get pregnant and have to deal with the morning sickness, the swollen ankles and all the other fun things that go with pregnancy none of which make us feel up to jumping in the sack and have a raunchy night. Now don’t get me wrong there are some women who feel amazing during pregnancy and feel that their libido is heightened but this is often not the case.

Added to this many men can feel uncomfortable about having sex with their partners once they are pregnant for fear of harming the baby (don’t get me started…) but this can also lead to a lack of bedroom activity.

And then the baby comes and even the thought of getting naked is enough to have you running for the hills.
Sadly, more marriages break up in the first 18 months after childbirth than at any other time and lack of sex is often cited as a contributing factor. And this can be from both sides. A lot of men struggle to see their partners in a sexual light after they have seen them give birth and become a mother. Dis interest in sex can translate to either partner as a dis interest in them. It can take work on both sides to get your mojo back.

But there are things we can do.

Here are the common reasons your sex drive might be non-existent and what you can try and do about it.

Did you know that 34% of women experience some sort of trauma in childbirth? This could be everything from a few stitches through to a fourth-degree tear. Understandably this can lead to all kinds of anxious feelings about the vaginal area and anything going with in its vicinity.

Taking Arnica can help with healing along with allowing fresh air to get to the area. Now I’m not suggesting you go for wander round Sainsburys starkers but when you get out of the bath try sitting on the bed and let yourself air dry for a little while. It’s important to listen to your midwife and health visitor in regard to healing and when it’s safe to even think about having sex again. This is an area that a lot of dads need educating on so try and take your partner with you to your check-up post birth so they can ask the mid wife any questions.

Another thing a new baby brings is a massive case of sleep deprivation and fatigue for the parents. And we all know that when we are tired, we are more prone to arguing and irritability which in turn leads to less sex. One thing that might help here if you can be to take a night away. If you are happy leaving your little one with perhaps a grandparent/Aunt/Uncle etc then a night away in a hotel just to get a full nights uninterrupted sleep can do the world of good. Don’t make the trip away about having sex though. Make it more about rejuvenation and rest. If the sex happens then great but don’t pile on the pressure. And make this clear before you go between the two of you so there are no mixed signals!

Ok here comes the science bit…

If you are breastfeeding that can lead to a dip in your libido. When we breast feed, we release prolactin which reduces our sexual desire. Plus cuddling a baby all day releases oxytocin which fulfils your natural need for closeness and means you don’t need to seek that closeness elsewhere. Educate your partner around this and explain that once you begin to wean your baby your libido will naturally increase.

When we experience insomnia and low mood that sometimes comes hand in hand our serotonin levels dip which leads to a decrease in feelings of desire. If your low mood is continuing and you feel its becoming a problem then please go and talk to your GP. It may be the case that course of anti-depressants is needed to help balance your serotonin levels along with some talking therapy to give you tools to move forward.

As a mum all of our energies go into looking after the new arrival and this can lead partners to feel left out and then resentful. Taking some time out to talk to your partner about how you are feeling and planning some simple activities to do together such as going for a walk or a lunch together will help to regenerate feelings of closeness.
Lower your expectations and find other ways to be intimate. Short achievable goals are the best way to start. Sitting together on the sofa to watch a movie, taking a bath or shower together, a nice back or foot rub will all start to increase the levels of closeness. Try and set quality time aside each week even for an hour when you both know this is time for you as a couple not as mummy and daddy.

When we give birth, we can be left with a negative body image and don’t feel sexy or attractive. I for one was four stone over weight after I gave birth and it took time before I felt attractive again. If you are breastfeeding, then you can buy pretty nursing under wear from sites like www.hotmilklingerie.com which can help you to feel more like your old self. Taking some time out each week for some pampering of yourself will help to make you feel more like your old self. Try agreeing that one night each week you are going to have an hour for yourself to have a long bath. Self care is important after give birth so dont put yourself at the bottom of the list.

Most important of all is to communicate with your partner. Have lines of communication open and be honest.

Take your time. It takes 9 months to grow a baby so give yourself the same amount of time the other side to recover and get back to being a hot mama.