The Pressure to Be the Perfect Mum: Why It’s Time to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

The Pressure to Be the Perfect Mum: Why It’s Time to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Being a mum is hard enough without feeling like you have to be perfect at it. And yet, for so many of us, that’s exactly what it feels like — a constant struggle to live up to impossible standards. The rise of social media has only magnified this pressure, creating an endless stream of “perfect” moments that make even the best of us question if we’re doing enough.

If you’ve ever looked at a carefully curated family photo or a spotless living room on Instagram and thought, “Why can’t I manage that?” — you’re not alone.

How Social Media Fuels the Perfect Mum Myth

Social media is full of beautiful snapshots: kids in coordinated outfits, spotless playrooms, elaborate birthday parties, and mums looking effortlessly stylish. But we all know these images are just that — snapshots. They capture one moment in time and rarely show the chaos, mess, and very human struggles happening behind the scenes.

Yet, the more we scroll, the more it starts to feel like everyone has it together but us. Research shows that social media use can increase feelings of inadequacy, envy, and low self-esteem, especially when we’re comparing ourselves to highly filtered, selectively shared content. And as mums, it’s all too easy to fall into the comparison trap when it feels like everyone else is setting the “perfect” example. The way the algorithm works its only going to chuck more of the same content at you. So, there is no getting away from it.

The “Highlight Reel” Effect

Social media is a highlight reel, and we’re constantly reminded of that. But even knowing this, it can be hard to resist comparing your day-to-day reality with someone’s best moments. In real life, we see the tantrums, the sleepless nights, and the unwashed dishes. Online, we see family vacations, happy smiles, and colour-coordinated nurseries. The result? An impossible, one-dimensional standard that nobody — not even the people posting it — can consistently live up to.

Why the Pressure to Be Perfect Hurts Mums

When we feel the pressure to be perfect, we’re setting ourselves up for failure because “perfect” simply doesn’t exist. This mindset can have serious consequences for our mental health and well-being.

  1. Increased Anxiety and Self-Doubt

Trying to live up to a flawless image of motherhood is exhausting. We end up questioning our every decision, wondering if we’re doing enough, or if we’re “ruining” our children by not being able to meet every standard. This can lead to an endless cycle of self-doubt and anxiety, where we’re constantly questioning if we’re good enough.

  1. Negative Impact on Self-Worth

When we don’t feel like we’re measuring up, it’s easy to feel like we’re failing — not just as mums but as people. And this constant comparison can erode our self-worth, making it difficult to feel proud of our wins, big or small.

  1. Loss of Authentic Connections

Social media can create a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality, where we’re more focused on appearances than on creating real, supportive connections. When we’re stuck trying to maintain a facade of perfection, it stops you from feeling you can open up about real struggles and challenges we’re facing, missing out on genuine support from other mums who are going through the exact same thing.

5 Steps to Let Go of the Perfect Mum Myth

While it’s easier said than done, there are ways to let go of these unrealistic expectations and embrace a healthier, more realistic approach to motherhood.

  1. Remember That Everyone Struggles

Behind every perfect Instagram photo is a real person with real struggles. Remind yourself that no one’s life is as polished as it might appear on social media. Most mums face the same mess, stress, and overwhelm you do — they just don’t post about it. Embrace this reality and give yourself permission to be real too.

  1. Limit Social Media Consumption

Try setting limits on your social media time or unfollowing accounts that make you feel pressured or inadequate. Instead, look for accounts that offer honest, unfiltered glimpses into motherhood, or that encourage you to be kind to yourself. Taking breaks from social media can also help you focus more on your own journey and less on the comparisons.

  1. Challenge the Inner Critic with CBT Techniques

If you notice a constant stream of critical thoughts — “I should be better at this,” or “Why can’t I do what other mums do?” — try challenging these thoughts. In CBT, we call this reframing. Instead of “I’m not doing enough,” try saying, “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.” Remind yourself that perfection isn’t the goal; being a loving, present mum is.

  1. Celebrate Small Wins

Rather than focusing on what you haven’t done, take a moment to recognize the little things you accomplish every day. Maybe you managed to make it to bedtime without raising your voice, or you remembered to pack the spare nappies. These are real wins, and they deserve recognition.

  1. Prioritize yourself and Your Boundaries

You don’t need to be perfect, but you do need to be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries with social media, friends, and family can also help reduce some of the pressures you feel. By doing so, you’ll have more energy to be the kind of mum you want to be — and more compassion for yourself when things don’t go perfectly.

A Reminder for Every Mum

Letting go of the “perfect mum” myth doesn’t happen overnight. But every small step you take to embrace authenticity over perfection is a victory. You’re already enough, just as you are, and there’s no need to live up to an image that’s more filter than fact.

So next time you catch yourself comparing or feeling inadequate, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that every mum faces challenges, and the best gift you can give your children is to show them what real, compassionate, and imperfect love looks like.

Let’s start shifting our mindset as mums to celebrate the journey, not the image. You deserve to feel proud, supported, and whole — no filters required.

The Truth About Mum Guilt: Why It’s Normal (But Not Helpful)

The Truth About Mum Guilt: Why It’s Normal (But Not Helpful)

Let’s talk about mum guilt—the nagging feeling that no matter what you do, it’s not quite enough. You’re not the “perfect” mum. Whether it’s heading out for a well-deserved night off with your best mate or your other half, taking a moment for yourself, or simply feeling like you’re not meeting an impossible standard, the guilt creeps in. Guilt comes from the rules you hold for yourself. For example the rules you hold for what it means to you to be a ‘good mum’ or a ‘good partner’ or a ‘good employeee’ will determine how you behave and the choices you make.  When we do something which we think breaks our rule et voila we feel GUILTY.

Here’s the thing: mum guilt is completely normal—in that you’re not alone in feeling it. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s helpful. In fact, it can end up holding you back from enjoying motherhood and life in general.

So let’s break it down…

Where Does Mum Guilt Come From?

Mum guilt often stems from unrealistic expectations. Maybe you’ve got an idea in your head of what a “perfect” mum should be—one who always knows what to do, never gets tired, and is constantly available for her children. Social media certainly doesn’t help, with pictures of mums looking like they’ve got it all together  in their immaculate house, while you’re scraping food off the wall for the third time that day and trying not to lose your shit.

Then, there’s the guilt of doing something for yourself. Leaving the baby with a baby sitter ( or even your other half) for a night out? Cue the guilt thoughts. “Shouldn’t I be at home with my baby? What kind of mum am I?”

We need to challenge those thoughts and whilst doing so readdress the whole ‘Perfect Mum’ myth.

Challenging the “Perfect Mum” Myth

First things first, the idea of the “perfect mum” is a myth. There’s no such thing, and comparing yourself to this unrealistic standard only fuels feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

A good CBT tool to use here is thought challenging. Ask yourself:

Reframing Mum Guilt

Another powerful CBT tool is reframing. This involves looking at your situation from a different perspective. Instead of thinking, “I’m a bad mum for needing time away,” try reframing it as:

By reframing guilty thoughts, you start to change the narrative in your mind. Rather than seeing yourself as failing, you recognize that you’re doing what you need to stay mentally and physically healthy.

The Night Out Dilemma: Why It’s Okay to Take Time for You

We’ve all been there—standing at the door in our “going out” clothes, feeling a mixture of excitement and guilt for leaving the baby behind. But here’s the truth: you deserve time for yourself. Being a mum doesn’t mean losing who you are as a person.

Leaving your child with a trusted babysitter or partner so you can have a night out isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You need time to recharge, relax, and remember that you’re more than just a mum. In fact, by taking care of your own mental health, you’re also teaching your child that it’s okay to take breaks and prioritize self-care.

So get yourselves out girls. Your mental health with thank you for it!.

 

If you want more tips on how to manage your mental health as a mum then come and join my group A mothers Mind. We are a lovely supportive group. You can join here  https://www.facebook.com/groups/2505900989448468/

Spring cleaning your mind

It’s actually sunny outside in the Yorkshire Dales today!  The garden is full of daffodils and snow drops and as spring comes it’s a perfect time to turn our attention inward and embark on a bit of spring cleaning for the mind. Just as we tidy up and declutter our homes, it’s a great time to engage in mental decluttering.

Declutter Your Thoughts

Our minds can often become cluttered with an overwhelming array of thoughts, worries, and distractions. Spring is an opportune time to declutter the mental space by practicing mindfulness and meditation. Set aside a few moments each day to sit quietly, focus on your breath, and observe your thoughts without judgment. This practice can help you become more aware of your mental clutter and gently release it, creating space for calmness and clarity.

Reflect and Release

Spring is a season of growth and transformation, making it an ideal time to reflect on past experiences and let go of anything that no longer serves you. Take some time to think about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences from the past. Identify any negative patterns or emotions that you’re ready to release, and consciously choose to let them go. By releasing the past, you can embrace the present moment.

Cultivate Gratitude

Practicing gratitude is a powerful way to shift your mindset and cultivate a sense of abundance and appreciation in your life. Make a habit of reflecting on the things you’re grateful for each day, whether it’s the beauty of nature, the support of loved ones, or the simple pleasures of everyday life. Keeping a gratitude journal can help if this is new to you.

Nourish Your Mind

Just as we nourish our bodies with healthy food, it’s important to nourish our minds with positive input. Take time to engage in activities that bring you joy and stimulate your mind, whether it’s reading a book, listening to music, or seeing friends.  Surround yourself with uplifting and inspiring content that feeds your soul and energizes your spirit. This might also mean doing a detox of your social media content!

Practice Self-Compassion

Spring cleaning for the mind isn’t just about decluttering and revitalizing—it’s also about showing yourself compassion and kindness along the way. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process, and remember that it’s okay to take things one step at a time. Celebrate your progress and acknowledge your efforts, no matter how small they may seem.

.Happy spring cleaning!

Holidays are coming……

Christmas is round the corner and whilst it’s usually depicted as a time of joy, love, and togetherness, for many of us Mums Christmas can also be a source of stress and anxiety. The pressure to create a perfect Christmas experience, Elf on the Shelf, Christmas Eve boxes and no end of other shit combined with the hustle and bustle of shopping, cooking, and decorating, can take a toll on your well-being. And don’t even get me started on the amount extra admin that comes from school and nursery. It’s insane.

Fortunately, there are ways to minimize stress and anxiety during the festive season.


So here are my top tips to help you enjoy a more relaxed and peaceful Christmas season.
1. Plan Ahead
One of the most effective ways to alleviate stress is by planning ahead. Create a to-do list or a calendar of events. I have one master spreadsheet onto which I write everything that’s happening at school, my present list and a to do list. I’m lucky I don’t have to cook Christmas dinner but if I did then the food list would go in here also. This will help you stay organized and reduce the last-minute rush. Make sure to set realistic expectations for what you can accomplish. You can share your spreadsheet with other people in your life e.g., partners, ex partners, in laws and don’t be afraid to ask for help!
2. Set a Budget
Financial stress is a common source of anxiety during the holidays. Set a budget for your Christmas spending and stick to it. Consider homemade gifts or thoughtful gestures rather than expensive presents. Anything with a drawing on it your kids have done that can be made into something for a relative is always a winner!
3. Simplify Decorations
You don’t have to turn your home into a winter wonderland to create a festive atmosphere. Simplify your decorations, focus on the ones that bring you the most joy, and don’t overextend yourself. A few well-placed ornaments and lights can work wonders without overwhelming you. Do not get swayed by all the stuff you see on Instagram!
4. Delegate Tasks
You don’t have to do everything on your own. Enlist the help of family and friends for tasks like cooking, decorating, and cleaning. Sharing responsibilities can lighten the load on your shoulders. Get your kids involved if you can if they are old enough.
5. Self-Care
Remember to take care of yourself during the holidays… It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos and forget your own well-being. Make time for relaxation, exercise, and healthy eating. Practicing self-care will help you stay grounded and better equipped to handle any stress that may arise.
6. Manage Expectations
Perfection is not the goal. No holiday is without its imperfections, and that’s okay. Set realistic expectations for yourself and the day. Focus on the joy of spending time with loved ones, rather than striving for a flawless, social media worthy day.
7. Say No When Necessary
You don’t have to say “yes” to every invitation or request over Christmas and New year. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline some commitments if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Prioritize the activities and events that mean the most to you.
8. Stay Connected
Even if you can’t be physically present with your loved ones, stay connected through video calls, phone calls, or heartfelt messages. Loneliness can exacerbate stress, so maintaining connections can provide comfort and support.
9. Embrace Imperfection
Lastly, remember that perfection is not the key to a great Christmas. Embrace the imperfections and cherish the moments of laughter and love. Christmas is about creating cherished memories and celebrating the people in your life.
10. Set Boundaries
Set Clear boundaries with family members in regard to what you will and won’t do or tolerate. Family can massively contribute to stress and anxiety over the Christmas periods so having clear boundaries for yourself can help to protect your mental health.
The holiday season is meant to be a time of joy and togetherness, not a source of stress and anxiety. By following these top ten tips, you can create a more relaxed and enjoyable Christmas experience for yourself and your loved ones. Plan ahead, set a budget, simplify, delegate, practice self-care, and manage expectations to help keep stress and anxiety at bay. This way, you can focus on what truly matters during the holidays: love and connection.

And the award for best actress goes to….

 

I feel like an actress most days.

 

A client said that to me the other day. That she feels like an actress playing a part of a women who has it all together when inside it’s a whole different story. I really resonated with that.

 

After I had Bella I took a year off but I agreed to take a few meetings with one or two key clients  just to keep my hand in over the year. The first meeting I did was when Bella was around 3 months old. I felt like absolute shit. I was by this point in the grips of what was to become a year long anxiety battle but I went anyway.  Mainly because one of my anxieties was about not being at work but that’s a whole other story!

I stuck on some heels and a semi smart top and stuck some make up on my face and off I went. I still remember it today 8 years later. We met at a hotel in Kings Cross and when I walked in, I felt nervous. For context I had been in my job 13 years when I went off to have Bella. I hadn’t felt nervous for a meeting in YEARS. And this was with a long standing client and my boss who I considered friends. And yet here I was.

I stuck a smile on my face and walked in. The first thing my boss said as he turned to my client was ‘See she looks amazing’. I don’t think he was talking about my weight, just my general attitude and overall look. I guess I looked like my ‘old’ pre baby self.

But I was far from it. The lipstick and the heels were doing a great job of masking what I was feeling inside.  I was happy to have a window into my old life, to sit in posh hotels and wear nice clothes again but I didn’t feel like the old me. I was tired, missing my baby, feeling guilty for being even  a bit happy that I was away and anxious that I didn’t know what I was doing anymore and I would get caught out.

I was also starting to do that thing that anxious people do. I was going inwards with my thinking. Running a monologue in my head that meant I wasn’t really focused on the meeting and what was being said.

I did the meeting and rushed to get the train home.  I had played the part of my old life and the old me for a few hours and now it was back to the new life and the new me.

New Year new Who?

New year new who?

 

Right about now people the world over are realising that they have fallen at the first hurdle. Maybe having that glass of wine when you said you wouldn’t. Missing the gym session or eating the crisps.

I have never believed in New years resolutions. In fact, I HATE new year’s altogether. New year’s resolutions are destined to fail because you are trying to be someone you are not. If on the 31st of Dec you were not the sort of person who gets up at 6 to go to the gym or the sort of person who always leaves the kitchen tidy before bed then why would you suddenly be that person when you wake on the 1st of Jan?

 

It doesn’t make sense. All it does is set you up to fail and to feel like shit because of it.

 

But wait…..

 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have goals, things we want to achieve, we just need to take into account our personality types, our current season of life (more on that in a minute) and most importantly WHY we want to achieve this thing.

I find the best way to look at a new year is to have a key word. For example, your word might be HEALTH. Not about losing weight or dieting just overall being healthier.

What does that look like for you? How will you know when you have achieved it?

The next step is to think about what SMALL changes you can make that move you towards that overall aim. If the season of life you are in currently is one of babies and small children at home, is it realistic to think you can get to the gym? If it is, then great but the reality is you probably cannot. So what small step can you do that will help you move towards that goal.

Its FAR easier to complete one small step each day than try to suddenly become someone you are not overnight.

what my anxiety feels like to me…

Lots of people use the analogy of the black dog to describe what living with depression feels like but no one has an equivalent for living with anxiety.

I see the dog as a slow moving, sloping, sly figure that lumbers up sits with you and is heavy it wont move. Its voice is slow. And it’s black.

Anxiety is different. Well, mine is. It has a frenetic quality. It makes me restless. I can’t settle to anything. It’s a like a ball of red fire that’s bouncing around me.

Tormenting me. Its voice is whiny and high pitched. Evil. Ripping away the peace and joy of the day.

It starts in the pit of my stomach, and I feel the hot sensation rise in me. Then it spills out and then it’s war. It rages on me against the fire. Every anxious thought I have fuels the fire. I can feel it getting bigger.

All the external noises, the life noises get louder. Too loud and I can’t think. I get irritated too. Short tempered. Like the fire is making my temper rise.

That’s how I see it. How I experience it.

How woud you describe how you feel?

You wake up feeling dread…..

You wake up every morning feeling dread. As soon as your eyes open that feeling is there in your stomach. You have a full day with them on your own. That’s the first thought. Followed by ‘and I won’t cope’. It’s terrifying.

You look at your sleeping partner and your are instantly full of resentment. It’s like bile rising up in your throat. he gets to leave. He gets to still have a life. You look at the sleeping baby and you love him so much you feel sick with worry, asking yourself over and over Am I doing this right? Then major guilt that sometimes you want to run away. back to your old life.

 

You get up and shove on yesterdays clothes. Hair goes up. No time for makeup. You used to love makeup. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror and don’t recognise the women in the mirror. She looks broken.

She hasnt slept properly in weeks. Even when the baby is asleep you still can’t sleep. You can’t turn off the thoughts.

You go downstairs and the house is a tip. It feels like its a visual smack in the face of your failure.  You hold the baby as your partner leaves and wave and smile and say ‘wave bye bye’ but inside you are screaming.  You now have 8 hours to fill. 8 hours to feel lonely. 8 hours to feel like you are going crazy. 8 hours to feel like you can’t do this.

You need help but you are scared. Scared to admit that all is not well. Scared of what will happen. Scared.

Riding the wave of emotion

Emotions are valuable things, even the ones that leave you paralysed with fear or so raw and broken you don’t know if you will ever recover. They offer you lots of benefits once you know how to process them properly.

Because your emotions are always telling you something. They are natures way of spurring you

into some form of action.

Sometimes it can be difficult to understand how you feel because you can’t name the emotion. Whilst I don’t think we need to get to caught up in words it’s good to know that sometimes we might use a word to describe how we feel without realising the emotion it relates to.

I believe that knowledge is power. In order to gain a better understanding of our emotions and gain more control of them, stop them becoming overwhelming we need to start with naming them properly. This is also really helpful if you are someone who struggles with talking about how you feel.

For example sometimes we might say we feel annoyed, livid, furious, irritated. All of these words relate to the emotion of Anger.

If we feel agitated, bothered, fretful, jumpy, nervy, panicky, tense, uneasy or worried then the emotion would Anxiety.

How about humiliated, undignified, mortified or discredited? These all relate to the emotion of shame.

But where do emotions come from?

First comes the thought then follows the emotion. Our thoughts determine our feelings. If you think about the feelings associated with excitement; tingly, fluttery tummy, hot flush? The same feelings are associated with anxiety. The only difference is the thought.

If we gain better control over our thoughts it’s the building block to gaining control over our emotions.

Asking yourself these questions

Anxiety – What am I scared of?

Sadness- What have I lost?

Anger- How have my values been attacked?

Happiness – what have I gained?

Guilt – what personal rule have I broken?

Once you know how to label your emotions you can start to practice a technique called riding the wave. Imagine your feelings are a like large waves and rather than trying to push the wave back you embrace it. Let it wash over you. Name it and accept it. Acknowledge that this wave is temporary.

Give it a try and let me know how you get on.

One tiny word with a mighty punch.

The word should is such a small seemingly innocent little word but it packs a lot of punch.  This is the dictionary definition of it: used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.

It brings with it a boat load of guilt and unrealistic expectations. Have a think about the last time you used the word ‘should’ I bet you say it more often that you realise.

 

When you hear yourself say ‘I should have tried harder to breast feed’ or even ‘I shouldn’t have shouted at my toddler’ how does that make you feel when you say those words? I am going to guess its not a great feeling. As soon as we say I should have, or I should not have it immediately implies we have done something wrong which then leads to a feeling of guilt.

 

When we use the word Should it has the opposite effect. Imagine saying to yourself ‘I should do the washing’ how does that make you feel? Does it make you feel more like doing it or less like it?

The same goes for the words ‘have to’ they also carry a load of unrealistic expectation.

So, let’s try a little experiment. Let us try changing a few words and see if that changes how we feel.

Let us change should for could.

So ‘I should be making home made food for my children all the time’ becomes ‘I could be making homemade food every day for my children, but I accept that’s not always going to be possible’. Does that feel different?

Or even

I could be making home made food for my children every night, but I am choosing to spend my time doing other things.

This takes back your power. Your choice. It eliminates the feelings of guilt and the weight of expectation.

Think of this scenario. You are feeling resentful because you don’t feel as though your partner is helping you out enough at home or with your children. Have a think of the way the conversation would go if you started with ‘You SHOULD be helping me more’. What do you think their reply will be?

Now imagine saying ‘I would love it if you COULD help me more around the house or with the children’. Do you think that would go any better?

Give it a go and let me know if you see a difference in how you feel but just changing one tiny word.