Why boundaries are important as a Mum

From the moment children enter your life you become stretched thin. All your time, energy, emotional bandwidth, finances everything gets stretched. It’s easy when this happens for boundaries to become blurred or even worse forgotten.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining balance, preserving mental and emotional well-being, and fostering healthy relationships..

They are the invisible lines we draw to protect our physical, emotional, and mental space. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable in our interactions with others. For mums, boundaries are crucial for maintaining a sense of autonomy, self-respect, and sanity amidst the demands of parenting.

So why do we need them?

As a mum, it’s natural to prioritize the needs of your children and family. However, neglecting your own needs can lead to burnout, resentment, and diminished well-being. Setting boundaries allows you to carve out time for self-care, hobbies, recharging your batteries.

(And boundaries teach your children valuable lessons about respect, empathy, and healthy relationships!)

Types of Boundaries for Mums:

1. Time Boundaries: Establishing designated “me-time” for self-care activities such as exercise, hobbies, or relaxation.
2. Emotional Boundaries: Recognizing and honouring your emotions, while also setting limits on how much emotional labor you’re willing to take on.
3. Physical Boundaries: Communicating your need for personal space and physical comfort, especially when it comes to cuddles, hugs, or personal belongings.
4. Social Boundaries: Being selective about social engagements and setting limits on your availability for socializing to prevent overwhelm.

Tips for Setting Boundaries:

1. Identify Your Needs: Reflect on what’s important to you and where you need to set boundaries to safeguard your well-being.
2. Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries assertively yet kindly, using “I” statements to convey your needs without blame or guilt.
3. Be Consistent: Enforce your boundaries consistently to establish a clear message and reinforce respect for your limits.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: It’s okay to say no and prioritize your needs. Remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness.
5. Seek Support: Surround yourself with understanding friends, family members, or support groups who respect your boundaries and offer encouragement.

Enforcing Boundaries: Enforcing boundaries can be challenging, especially when met with resistance or pushback from loved ones. However, staying firm and consistent is essential for maintaining your self-respect and preserving your well-being. Remember that setting boundaries is not about controlling others but rather about honoring your own needs and values.

As a mum, setting boundaries is not only important for you but also your family. By prioritizing self-care and asserting your needs, you create a healthier and more balanced environment for everyone.

New Years Resolutions and your mental health….

Did you know New Year’s resolutions and mental health are closely linked?  I am tempted to just say ‘ Dont even bother doing them’ but that would make a very short blog post wouldn’t it?  And to be fair setting and achieving goals can have a significant impact on your well-being.

However, it’s important to approach New Year’s resolutions with mindfulness and consideration of your mental health. Personally I like to have a theme for the year and try and weave that into whatever I am doing throughout the year. Last years word was ‘enhance’. I just wanted to try and raise everything I did up a notch. Did I acheive it? Well the honest answer is; sometimes. And I am ok with that. My word this year is Excitement!

If setting resolutions as your thing here are my top tips for making resolutions that promote good mental health…

1. Set Realistic Goals: Make sure your resolutions are attainable and not overly ambitious. Unrealistic goals can lead to feelings of failure and increased stress. Start with small, achievable steps.
2. Prioritize Self-Care: Include resolutions that prioritize self-care practices, such as getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, and engaging in regular exercise. Physical health has a profound impact on mental health.
3. Focus on Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness techniques into your daily routine, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises. These practices can help reduce stress and improve mental clarity.
4. Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling with mental health issues, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Consider making a resolution to find a therapist to support your mental well-being.
5. Social Connections: Resolve to strengthen your social connections and build a supportive network. Maintaining healthy relationships can positively impact your mental health.
6. Be Kind to Yourself: Self-compassion is essential. Instead of being overly critical when you face setbacks, practice self-compassion and treat yourself with understanding and patience.
7. Track Your Progress: Keep a journal or use a goal-tracking app to monitor your progress. Celebrate your achievements and use setbacks as learning opportunities rather than reasons for self-criticism.
8. Stay Flexible: Be willing to adapt your resolutions as needed. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes it’s necessary to modify your goals to better align with your current circumstances.
9. Set Mental Health Goals: Consider setting specific mental health-related goals, such as managing stress, reducing anxiety, or developing resilience. These goals can help you focus on your emotional well-being.
10. Connect with Supportive Communities: Join support groups or online communities focused on mental health. Sharing your experiences and learning from others can be beneficial.
11. Monitor Perfectionism: Be mindful of perfectionistic tendencies. Striving for perfection can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety. Aim for progress, not perfection.

Remember that New Year’s resolutions are not a one-size-fits-all and what works for one person may not work for another. It’s important to approach your resolutions with self-awareness and a focus on what will genuinely promote your mental well-being. If you find that your resolutions are causing more stress or anxiety, it’s okay to adjust or abandon them. Your mental health should always be a top priority.

 

New Year new Who?

New year new who?

 

Right about now people the world over are realising that they have fallen at the first hurdle. Maybe having that glass of wine when you said you wouldn’t. Missing the gym session or eating the crisps.

I have never believed in New years resolutions. In fact, I HATE new year’s altogether. New year’s resolutions are destined to fail because you are trying to be someone you are not. If on the 31^st of Dec you were not the sort of person who gets up at 6 to go to the gym or the sort of person who always leaves the kitchen tidy before bed then why would you suddenly be that person when you wake on the 1^st of Jan?

 

It doesn’t make sense. All it does is set you up to fail and to feel like shit because of it.

 

But wait…..

 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have goals, things we want to achieve, we just need to take into account our personality types, our current season of life (more on that in a minute) and most importantly WHY we want to achieve this thing.

I find the best way to look at a new year is to have a key word. For example, your word might be HEALTH. Not about losing weight or dieting just overall being healthier.

What does that look like for you? How will you know when you have achieved it?

The next step is to think about what SMALL changes you can make that move you towards that overall aim. If the season of life you are in currently is one of babies and small children at home, is it realistic to think you can get to the gym? If it is, then great but the reality is you probably cannot. So what small step can you do that will help you move towards that goal.

Its FAR easier to complete one small step each day than try to suddenly become someone you are not overnight.

‘When you don’t want me is when you most need me, and when you no longer need me is when you most want me’ Nanny McPhee

I had a session with a client last week where we talked about ending therapy. As the sessions are due to end, I always review the client’s journey. I go back to our very first session and we talk about how far they have come. This is very often highly emotional.

In this session both myself and the client became emotional and there were tears from both of us.

Yep, you read that right. From BOTH of us.

 

You see I emotionally invest in my client’s journey. I am cheering them on and willing them to succeed and hit their goals.  Along the way you cannot help but get to know a client inside and out. Part of my job, in fact the main part of my job is to get a client to open up and to share. So of course, it makes sense that I get to know them.

Therapy is a strange job though because for all we build this strong therapeutic relationship based on trust it is temporary and does need to have some boundaries. Much as I would dearly love to go for a glass wine with many of clients and in another life, they would certainly become friends in this job that is not really the way.

And so, after all we share along the way when therapy ends so must the relationship. And this can be hard for both parties. I am often left with unanswered questions. Did they go on to have another baby? Did they ever resolve their issue with their family member? You get the idea.

Sometimes clients are lovely and send me updates, especially if it is new baby news but most of the time, I am left wondering.

From the client’s side they miss having that weekly space to chat, to off load with total honesty. It can be scary to head out on your own after so long together. As part of ending sessions, we talk about all the tools they now have in their backpack to bring out and use whenever life throws a curve ball. Because ‘life’ still happens. Tricky events, sad times, all still happen. But now they are stronger and better able to deal with these things. We talk about the possibility of relapse and what to do in this event.

And although these endings are tinged with sadness ultimately, I like nothing better than hearing a client say they no longer need me.

 

Riding the wave of emotion

Emotions are valuable things, even the ones that leave you paralysed with fear or so raw and broken you don’t know if you will ever recover. They offer you lots of benefits once you know how to process them properly.

Because your emotions are always telling you something. They are natures way of spurring you

into some form of action.

Sometimes it can be difficult to understand how you feel because you can’t name the emotion. Whilst I don’t think we need to get to caught up in words it’s good to know that sometimes we might use a word to describe how we feel without realising the emotion it relates to.

I believe that knowledge is power. In order to gain a better understanding of our emotions and gain more control of them, stop them becoming overwhelming we need to start with naming them properly. This is also really helpful if you are someone who struggles with talking about how you feel.

For example sometimes we might say we feel annoyed, livid, furious, irritated. All of these words relate to the emotion of Anger.

If we feel agitated, bothered, fretful, jumpy, nervy, panicky, tense, uneasy or worried then the emotion would Anxiety.

How about humiliated, undignified, mortified or discredited? These all relate to the emotion of shame.

But where do emotions come from?

First comes the thought then follows the emotion. Our thoughts determine our feelings. If you think about the feelings associated with excitement; tingly, fluttery tummy, hot flush? The same feelings are associated with anxiety. The only difference is the thought.

If we gain better control over our thoughts it’s the building block to gaining control over our emotions.

Asking yourself these questions

Anxiety – What am I scared of?

Sadness- What have I lost?

Anger- How have my values been attacked?

Happiness – what have I gained?

Guilt – what personal rule have I broken?

Once you know how to label your emotions you can start to practice a technique called riding the wave. Imagine your feelings are a like large waves and rather than trying to push the wave back you embrace it. Let it wash over you. Name it and accept it. Acknowledge that this wave is temporary.

Give it a try and let me know how you get on.

New Year New you? All bullshit right?

So here we go it’s nearly the end of the year and it’s that time when we all start talking about New Years resolutions. We all have the best of intentions to stick to that diet or to go to the gym every day but by mid Jan its all over and we feel rubbish because we feel like we failed. Sound familiar?

I know in years gone by there have been many a NYE where I have pledged that THIS is the year I’m going to give up drinking or THIS is the year I am going to get fit and it never happened.

So a few years ago I changed tack. I gave myself an over arching goal. Each year I assign a topic or a goal so for example my goal for this year is WELLNESS. Now I can already hear you saying ‘but is this not just another way of saying diet?’ well you would be right that food plays a part but for me this goal is bigger than that.  I am looking at my overall Wellness and making small changes around my diet, my water intake and exercise but it’s much more than that. I want to try lots of new things this year around supporting not just my physical wellness but also my mental health. Some I might try and stick with because I dont like them but others I will love.

Other areas you could focus on might be

A year of Travel

Now I realise in these current times this one might be tricky but if this was your goal you could start just by reading up on the places you would most like to visit. You might then start by listing places within your own country that you have never seen but would love to. You might want to look into learning a foreign language.

A year of Education

I have done this one before. It doesn’t have to mean going back to college or Uni ( but for some it might) it may just be taking free courses on line in something that interests you.

A year of Money

This could be getting in control of your finances. Starting by looking in depth at your bank statements, breaking down your bills and seeing where costs can be made. Booking an appointment at the bank and seeing where you can be saving better. If you have money to play with this might include looking at investments or buying a home.

A year of Relationships

Full disclosure the first time I ever did a Year Of… was around this topic. I had been single for some time and I decided this was the year I was going to throw myself into dating. I joined online dating sites and committed to being consistent in using them. And it worked because I met my partner that year! But for you it might mean reassessing relationships, looking at what needs work.

A year of My Home

You might want to look at improving your home or even moving house. Reading up on people like Marie Kondo and watching documentaries like the Minimalists on Netflix around how to de clutter your life and down size. Or maybe you want to renovate so creating pinterest boards and a time scale and budget.

So that’s how I do NYE resolutions. If you call it YOUR YEAR OF….. then you cant fail because it’s not an all or nothing situation.

Pop me a comment or a message on social media and let know what your Year of is!

 

 

This is why I bloody LOVE what I do!

I LOVE what I do. When a new client walks into my room or pops up on my screen I never know where the next weeks or months are going to take to take us. I have no idea what is going to transpire. But what I DO know is I can help. I can nudge, and prod and help steer the ship through the choppy waters. We will collaborate to work together in your road to wellness.

 

And sometimes I get e mails like this which remind why it’s so worthwhile and rewarding.

“I met with Andrea at a time where I was not sure what sort of help I needed. I had never seen anyone for advice about my mental health previously but had been through a difficult fertility journey and two premature babies, both of whom were complicated. It turned out that I only needed a sympathetic ear and someone to listen to what I had been through. Andrea created a safe place for me to tell my journey and empathised with everything that I had been through. Her personal experiences meant that I truly felt she understood what I had been through. She offered me practical, sensible advice that enabled me to understand the thoughts that had been upsetting me and how to deal with them in future. I am so grateful to have met her and feel better able to move on with my life now.”

 

If you are reading this now and feel like you are not even sure whether you need help but you feel like something is ‘off’ or you just haven’t felt ‘right’ for a while then pop me a message and let’s chat. It may be that all you need is one session to get your story out and be heard.

 

Andrea x

 

Let’s talk about sex baby…tips to get your mojo back after birth

Let’s talk about sex baby… (I know it’s in your head now isn’t it? Sorry ?) When we are in the process of making the babies sex can become repetitive, a bit clinical and a means to an end. Then we get pregnant and have to deal with the morning sickness, the swollen ankles and all the other fun things that go with pregnancy none of which make us feel up to jumping in the sack and have a raunchy night. Now don’t get me wrong there are some women who feel amazing during pregnancy and feel that their libido is heightened but this is often not the case.

Added to this many men can feel uncomfortable about having sex with their partners once they are pregnant for fear of harming the baby (don’t get me started…) but this can also lead to a lack of bedroom activity.

And then the baby comes and even the thought of getting naked is enough to have you running for the hills.
Sadly, more marriages break up in the first 18 months after childbirth than at any other time and lack of sex is often cited as a contributing factor. And this can be from both sides. A lot of men struggle to see their partners in a sexual light after they have seen them give birth and become a mother. Dis interest in sex can translate to either partner as a dis interest in them. It can take work on both sides to get your mojo back.

But there are things we can do.

Here are the common reasons your sex drive might be non-existent and what you can try and do about it.

Did you know that 34% of women experience some sort of trauma in childbirth? This could be everything from a few stitches through to a fourth-degree tear. Understandably this can lead to all kinds of anxious feelings about the vaginal area and anything going with in its vicinity.

Taking Arnica can help with healing along with allowing fresh air to get to the area. Now I’m not suggesting you go for wander round Sainsburys starkers but when you get out of the bath try sitting on the bed and let yourself air dry for a little while. It’s important to listen to your midwife and health visitor in regard to healing and when it’s safe to even think about having sex again. This is an area that a lot of dads need educating on so try and take your partner with you to your check-up post birth so they can ask the mid wife any questions.

Another thing a new baby brings is a massive case of sleep deprivation and fatigue for the parents. And we all know that when we are tired, we are more prone to arguing and irritability which in turn leads to less sex. One thing that might help here if you can be to take a night away. If you are happy leaving your little one with perhaps a grandparent/Aunt/Uncle etc then a night away in a hotel just to get a full nights uninterrupted sleep can do the world of good. Don’t make the trip away about having sex though. Make it more about rejuvenation and rest. If the sex happens then great but don’t pile on the pressure. And make this clear before you go between the two of you so there are no mixed signals!

Ok here comes the science bit…

If you are breastfeeding that can lead to a dip in your libido. When we breast feed, we release prolactin which reduces our sexual desire. Plus cuddling a baby all day releases oxytocin which fulfils your natural need for closeness and means you don’t need to seek that closeness elsewhere. Educate your partner around this and explain that once you begin to wean your baby your libido will naturally increase.

When we experience insomnia and low mood that sometimes comes hand in hand our serotonin levels dip which leads to a decrease in feelings of desire. If your low mood is continuing and you feel its becoming a problem then please go and talk to your GP. It may be the case that course of anti-depressants is needed to help balance your serotonin levels along with some talking therapy to give you tools to move forward.

As a mum all of our energies go into looking after the new arrival and this can lead partners to feel left out and then resentful. Taking some time out to talk to your partner about how you are feeling and planning some simple activities to do together such as going for a walk or a lunch together will help to regenerate feelings of closeness.
Lower your expectations and find other ways to be intimate. Short achievable goals are the best way to start. Sitting together on the sofa to watch a movie, taking a bath or shower together, a nice back or foot rub will all start to increase the levels of closeness. Try and set quality time aside each week even for an hour when you both know this is time for you as a couple not as mummy and daddy.

When we give birth, we can be left with a negative body image and don’t feel sexy or attractive. I for one was four stone over weight after I gave birth and it took time before I felt attractive again. If you are breastfeeding, then you can buy pretty nursing under wear from sites like www.hotmilklingerie.com which can help you to feel more like your old self. Taking some time out each week for some pampering of yourself will help to make you feel more like your old self. Try agreeing that one night each week you are going to have an hour for yourself to have a long bath. Self care is important after give birth so dont put yourself at the bottom of the list.

Most important of all is to communicate with your partner. Have lines of communication open and be honest.

Take your time. It takes 9 months to grow a baby so give yourself the same amount of time the other side to recover and get back to being a hot mama.

What happens if I decide to have therapy?

What happens when I decide to have therapy?

Deciding to reach out and see a therapist is huge decision for many women. It’s the start of admitting that you are not coping, and you need help. For many they worry that by admitting they need help is an admission of failure. Many, I included, hide the fact that they are even IN therapy once they begin.

For some therapy will come via a GP referral for others they will seek out a therapist privately. Which ever route you go you can congratulate yourself for seeking help in the first place.

But what happens then? A lot of women worry about what therapy will be like, what they will be asked. If they admit to everything they are thinking or feeling the therapist will be shocked, disgusted or worse. Will they make a report that goes their GP or their employer? Will their baby be taken away if they admit to having thoughts of suicide?

So here is my list of things you should know about therapy.

1. All therapists are bound by a code of ethics set out by the Governing body they are members of. This covers confidentiality. You will be given a copy at the start of therapy which outlines the confidentiality terms and the reasons they can be broken.

2. Confidentiality can only be broken under two criteria; there is a risk you will harm yourself or others. Any breaking of confidentiality would be discussed with you by the therapist and would NOT be done without your knowledge.

3. Therapists are trained to listen without judgement. They should work to create what is termed a ‘therapeutic alliance’ between you and them. This should enable you to feel that you can share ANYTHING. There is a safe space in the therapy room and anything shared will be done so without fear of negative judgment. If you need silence that’s ok too. You won’t be rushed.

4. At the start of therapy, you may be asked to complete a form which assesses your level of depression or anxiety. This is so the therapist can monitor your scores as you improve.

5. The therapist will want to know basic information such as your GP details if you are on any medication currently such as anti-depressants, and if you have ever sought therapy before.

6. The therapist will take notes but should ask your permission to do so. Similarly, he may record the session and again would ask permission before doing so.

7. All therapists are required to be in clinical supervision. Your case may be discussed with a supervisor, but your name and personal details are not shared. All supervisors are bound by the same code of ethics and confidentiality applies.

8. Should you be receiving therapy that is being provided via an employee assistance program a report may be required by the EAP from the therapist. This will usually be a basic report and you can request to see the report before it is sent.

9. A session will typically last 50 minutes with time given at the start for a revue of the week and at the end in the case of therapies such as CBT for homework to be given.

10. If you cry that’s fine. If you dont cry ( but think you should) that’s fine too.

11. All therapists become therapists because they want to help people. Be as honest as you possibly can with them. They want to help you get better.

The biggest compliment someone can pay me as a therapist is to say ‘I found you so easy to talk to’ as without this  initial basis therapy will not work. If you have any questions about this or my work please contact me hello@andreawitttherapy.com