The Pressure to Be the Perfect Mum: Why It’s Time to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

The Pressure to Be the Perfect Mum: Why It’s Time to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Being a mum is hard enough without feeling like you have to be perfect at it. And yet, for so many of us, that’s exactly what it feels like — a constant struggle to live up to impossible standards. The rise of social media has only magnified this pressure, creating an endless stream of “perfect” moments that make even the best of us question if we’re doing enough.

If you’ve ever looked at a carefully curated family photo or a spotless living room on Instagram and thought, “Why can’t I manage that?” — you’re not alone.

How Social Media Fuels the Perfect Mum Myth

Social media is full of beautiful snapshots: kids in coordinated outfits, spotless playrooms, elaborate birthday parties, and mums looking effortlessly stylish. But we all know these images are just that — snapshots. They capture one moment in time and rarely show the chaos, mess, and very human struggles happening behind the scenes.

Yet, the more we scroll, the more it starts to feel like everyone has it together but us. Research shows that social media use can increase feelings of inadequacy, envy, and low self-esteem, especially when we’re comparing ourselves to highly filtered, selectively shared content. And as mums, it’s all too easy to fall into the comparison trap when it feels like everyone else is setting the “perfect” example. The way the algorithm works its only going to chuck more of the same content at you. So, there is no getting away from it.

The “Highlight Reel” Effect

Social media is a highlight reel, and we’re constantly reminded of that. But even knowing this, it can be hard to resist comparing your day-to-day reality with someone’s best moments. In real life, we see the tantrums, the sleepless nights, and the unwashed dishes. Online, we see family vacations, happy smiles, and colour-coordinated nurseries. The result? An impossible, one-dimensional standard that nobody — not even the people posting it — can consistently live up to.

Why the Pressure to Be Perfect Hurts Mums

When we feel the pressure to be perfect, we’re setting ourselves up for failure because “perfect” simply doesn’t exist. This mindset can have serious consequences for our mental health and well-being.

1. Increased Anxiety and Self-Doubt

Trying to live up to a flawless image of motherhood is exhausting. We end up questioning our every decision, wondering if we’re doing enough, or if we’re “ruining” our children by not being able to meet every standard. This can lead to an endless cycle of self-doubt and anxiety, where we’re constantly questioning if we’re good enough.

2. Negative Impact on Self-Worth

When we don’t feel like we’re measuring up, it’s easy to feel like we’re failing — not just as mums but as people. And this constant comparison can erode our self-worth, making it difficult to feel proud of our wins, big or small.

3. Loss of Authentic Connections

Social media can create a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality, where we’re more focused on appearances than on creating real, supportive connections. When we’re stuck trying to maintain a facade of perfection, it stops you from feeling you can open up about real struggles and challenges we’re facing, missing out on genuine support from other mums who are going through the exact same thing.

5 Steps to Let Go of the Perfect Mum Myth

While it’s easier said than done, there are ways to let go of these unrealistic expectations and embrace a healthier, more realistic approach to motherhood.

1. Remember That Everyone Struggles

Behind every perfect Instagram photo is a real person with real struggles. Remind yourself that no one’s life is as polished as it might appear on social media. Most mums face the same mess, stress, and overwhelm you do — they just don’t post about it. Embrace this reality and give yourself permission to be real too.

2. Limit Social Media Consumption

Try setting limits on your social media time or unfollowing accounts that make you feel pressured or inadequate. Instead, look for accounts that offer honest, unfiltered glimpses into motherhood, or that encourage you to be kind to yourself. Taking breaks from social media can also help you focus more on your own journey and less on the comparisons.

3. Challenge the Inner Critic with CBT Techniques

If you notice a constant stream of critical thoughts — “I should be better at this,” or “Why can’t I do what other mums do?” — try challenging these thoughts. In CBT, we call this reframing. Instead of “I’m not doing enough,” try saying, “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.” Remind yourself that perfection isn’t the goal; being a loving, present mum is.

4. Celebrate Small Wins

Rather than focusing on what you haven’t done, take a moment to recognize the little things you accomplish every day. Maybe you managed to make it to bedtime without raising your voice, or you remembered to pack the spare nappies. These are real wins, and they deserve recognition.

5. Prioritize yourself and Your Boundaries

You don’t need to be perfect, but you do need to be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries with social media, friends, and family can also help reduce some of the pressures you feel. By doing so, you’ll have more energy to be the kind of mum you want to be — and more compassion for yourself when things don’t go perfectly.

A Reminder for Every Mum

Letting go of the “perfect mum” myth doesn’t happen overnight. But every small step you take to embrace authenticity over perfection is a victory. You’re already enough, just as you are, and there’s no need to live up to an image that’s more filter than fact.

So next time you catch yourself comparing or feeling inadequate, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that every mum faces challenges, and the best gift you can give your children is to show them what real, compassionate, and imperfect love looks like.

Let’s start shifting our mindset as mums to celebrate the journey, not the image. You deserve to feel proud, supported, and whole — no filters required.

If your little one is starting school in September…

On the way to the supermarket last night I drove past my kid’s school. She goes into year 5 in September. It made me think where have all the years gone and also of all of you who have little ones about to start.

It’s a total mix of emotions isn’t it?. Excitement, pride, but also anxiety, worry, and maybe even a touch of overwhelm. It’s completely normal to feel this way; after all, this is a big milestone for both of you.

However, if the anxiety feels overwhelming, it’s important to address it so that both you and your little one can have a positive start come the new school year.

Understanding the Source of Your Anxiety

First, take a moment to recognise where your anxiety is coming from. Common worries mums have at this stage include:

• Separation Anxiety: The idea of being apart from your child for a whole school day can be daunting, especially if they’ve been at home with you or in a smaller, more familiar setting e.g. child minders or family.
• Concerns About Your Child’s Readiness: You might worry if they’ll fit in, make friends, or keep up with the learning pace.
• Loss of Control: School brings a new structure that’s out of your hands, which can feel unsettling.
• Pressure of New Routines: Adjusting to the school run, packed lunches, and homework can seem overwhelming.

These feelings are valid and shared by all of us! But understanding the source of your anxiety is the first step in managing it.

Strategies to Manage Anxiety

1. Prepare Together

Preparation can ease both your anxiety and your child’s. Get familiar with the route you’ll take. You could even practice the school run a few times to make it feel more routine. Getting uniforms, bags, and supplies ready in advance also gives you a sense of control. Let your child try on their uniform in the days running up to starting school or even wear it out and about!

2. Talk About It

Discuss the upcoming change with your child in a positive light. Explain what they can expect in a way that’s appropriate for their age. Encourage them to talk about their feelings too. If they’re excited, share in that excitement. If they’re nervous, reassure them that it’s okay to feel that way and that they’ll get used to school in no time.

3. Connect with Other Mums

You’re not alone in this transition. If you can reach out to other mums whose children are starting school or who have already gone through this phase. Sharing your feelings and hearing others’ experiences can be comforting and offer new perspectives. Some schools create a WhatsApp group ahead of school starting.

4. Focus on the Positives

Remind yourself of the positive aspects of school for your child: making new friends, learning new things, and growing in independence. Think about the fun stories they’ll bring home and the pride you’ll feel in watching them flourish!

5. Practice Self-Care

Don’t forget to take care of yourself during this transition. Make time for activities that relax and recharge you, whether it’s a quiet cup of tea, a walk in the park, or chatting with a friend. Managing your stress levels will help you be more present and calmer for your child.

6. Set Realistic Expectations

Give yourself and your child time to adjust. It’s normal for both of you to take a few weeks to settle into the new routine. Be patient and kind to yourself during this period.

When to Seek Extra Support

If your anxiety feels overwhelming, persistent, or starts to interfere with your daily life, it might be helpful to talk to someone. You could start with your partner or a mate, or even seek out therapy if you think that might be useful.

Starting school is a significant milestone, and it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions as the big day approaches. By preparing, staying positive, and taking care of yourself, you can manage your anxiety and help you and your little one have a smooth, happy start to their school journey!

 

 

Why boundaries are important as a Mum

From the moment children enter your life you become stretched thin. All your time, energy, emotional bandwidth, finances everything gets stretched. It’s easy when this happens for boundaries to become blurred or even worse forgotten.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining balance, preserving mental and emotional well-being, and fostering healthy relationships..

They are the invisible lines we draw to protect our physical, emotional, and mental space. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable in our interactions with others. For mums, boundaries are crucial for maintaining a sense of autonomy, self-respect, and sanity amidst the demands of parenting.

So why do we need them?

As a mum, it’s natural to prioritize the needs of your children and family. However, neglecting your own needs can lead to burnout, resentment, and diminished well-being. Setting boundaries allows you to carve out time for self-care, hobbies, recharging your batteries.

(And boundaries teach your children valuable lessons about respect, empathy, and healthy relationships!)

Types of Boundaries for Mums:

1. Time Boundaries: Establishing designated “me-time” for self-care activities such as exercise, hobbies, or relaxation.
2. Emotional Boundaries: Recognizing and honouring your emotions, while also setting limits on how much emotional labor you’re willing to take on.
3. Physical Boundaries: Communicating your need for personal space and physical comfort, especially when it comes to cuddles, hugs, or personal belongings.
4. Social Boundaries: Being selective about social engagements and setting limits on your availability for socializing to prevent overwhelm.

Tips for Setting Boundaries:

1. Identify Your Needs: Reflect on what’s important to you and where you need to set boundaries to safeguard your well-being.
2. Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries assertively yet kindly, using “I” statements to convey your needs without blame or guilt.
3. Be Consistent: Enforce your boundaries consistently to establish a clear message and reinforce respect for your limits.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: It’s okay to say no and prioritize your needs. Remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness.
5. Seek Support: Surround yourself with understanding friends, family members, or support groups who respect your boundaries and offer encouragement.

Enforcing Boundaries: Enforcing boundaries can be challenging, especially when met with resistance or pushback from loved ones. However, staying firm and consistent is essential for maintaining your self-respect and preserving your well-being. Remember that setting boundaries is not about controlling others but rather about honoring your own needs and values.

As a mum, setting boundaries is not only important for you but also your family. By prioritizing self-care and asserting your needs, you create a healthier and more balanced environment for everyone.

New Years Resolutions and your mental health….

Did you know New Year’s resolutions and mental health are closely linked?  I am tempted to just say ‘ Dont even bother doing them’ but that would make a very short blog post wouldn’t it?  And to be fair setting and achieving goals can have a significant impact on your well-being.

However, it’s important to approach New Year’s resolutions with mindfulness and consideration of your mental health. Personally I like to have a theme for the year and try and weave that into whatever I am doing throughout the year. Last years word was ‘enhance’. I just wanted to try and raise everything I did up a notch. Did I acheive it? Well the honest answer is; sometimes. And I am ok with that. My word this year is Excitement!

If setting resolutions as your thing here are my top tips for making resolutions that promote good mental health…

1. Set Realistic Goals: Make sure your resolutions are attainable and not overly ambitious. Unrealistic goals can lead to feelings of failure and increased stress. Start with small, achievable steps.
2. Prioritize Self-Care: Include resolutions that prioritize self-care practices, such as getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, and engaging in regular exercise. Physical health has a profound impact on mental health.
3. Focus on Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness techniques into your daily routine, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises. These practices can help reduce stress and improve mental clarity.
4. Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling with mental health issues, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Consider making a resolution to find a therapist to support your mental well-being.
5. Social Connections: Resolve to strengthen your social connections and build a supportive network. Maintaining healthy relationships can positively impact your mental health.
6. Be Kind to Yourself: Self-compassion is essential. Instead of being overly critical when you face setbacks, practice self-compassion and treat yourself with understanding and patience.
7. Track Your Progress: Keep a journal or use a goal-tracking app to monitor your progress. Celebrate your achievements and use setbacks as learning opportunities rather than reasons for self-criticism.
8. Stay Flexible: Be willing to adapt your resolutions as needed. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes it’s necessary to modify your goals to better align with your current circumstances.
9. Set Mental Health Goals: Consider setting specific mental health-related goals, such as managing stress, reducing anxiety, or developing resilience. These goals can help you focus on your emotional well-being.
10. Connect with Supportive Communities: Join support groups or online communities focused on mental health. Sharing your experiences and learning from others can be beneficial.
11. Monitor Perfectionism: Be mindful of perfectionistic tendencies. Striving for perfection can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety. Aim for progress, not perfection.

Remember that New Year’s resolutions are not a one-size-fits-all and what works for one person may not work for another. It’s important to approach your resolutions with self-awareness and a focus on what will genuinely promote your mental well-being. If you find that your resolutions are causing more stress or anxiety, it’s okay to adjust or abandon them. Your mental health should always be a top priority.

 

Holidays are coming……

Christmas is round the corner and whilst it’s usually depicted as a time of joy, love, and togetherness, for many of us Mums Christmas can also be a source of stress and anxiety. The pressure to create a perfect Christmas experience, Elf on the Shelf, Christmas Eve boxes and no end of other shit combined with the hustle and bustle of shopping, cooking, and decorating, can take a toll on your well-being. And don’t even get me started on the amount extra admin that comes from school and nursery. It’s insane.

Fortunately, there are ways to minimize stress and anxiety during the festive season.

So here are my top tips to help you enjoy a more relaxed and peaceful Christmas season.
1. Plan Ahead
One of the most effective ways to alleviate stress is by planning ahead. Create a to-do list or a calendar of events. I have one master spreadsheet onto which I write everything that’s happening at school, my present list and a to do list. I’m lucky I don’t have to cook Christmas dinner but if I did then the food list would go in here also. This will help you stay organized and reduce the last-minute rush. Make sure to set realistic expectations for what you can accomplish. You can share your spreadsheet with other people in your life e.g., partners, ex partners, in laws and don’t be afraid to ask for help!
2. Set a Budget
Financial stress is a common source of anxiety during the holidays. Set a budget for your Christmas spending and stick to it. Consider homemade gifts or thoughtful gestures rather than expensive presents. Anything with a drawing on it your kids have done that can be made into something for a relative is always a winner!
3. Simplify Decorations
You don’t have to turn your home into a winter wonderland to create a festive atmosphere. Simplify your decorations, focus on the ones that bring you the most joy, and don’t overextend yourself. A few well-placed ornaments and lights can work wonders without overwhelming you. Do not get swayed by all the stuff you see on Instagram!
4. Delegate Tasks
You don’t have to do everything on your own. Enlist the help of family and friends for tasks like cooking, decorating, and cleaning. Sharing responsibilities can lighten the load on your shoulders. Get your kids involved if you can if they are old enough.
5. Self-Care
Remember to take care of yourself during the holidays… It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos and forget your own well-being. Make time for relaxation, exercise, and healthy eating. Practicing self-care will help you stay grounded and better equipped to handle any stress that may arise.
6. Manage Expectations
Perfection is not the goal. No holiday is without its imperfections, and that’s okay. Set realistic expectations for yourself and the day. Focus on the joy of spending time with loved ones, rather than striving for a flawless, social media worthy day.
7. Say No When Necessary
You don’t have to say “yes” to every invitation or request over Christmas and New year. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline some commitments if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Prioritize the activities and events that mean the most to you.
8. Stay Connected
Even if you can’t be physically present with your loved ones, stay connected through video calls, phone calls, or heartfelt messages. Loneliness can exacerbate stress, so maintaining connections can provide comfort and support.
9. Embrace Imperfection
Lastly, remember that perfection is not the key to a great Christmas. Embrace the imperfections and cherish the moments of laughter and love. Christmas is about creating cherished memories and celebrating the people in your life.
10. Set Boundaries
Set Clear boundaries with family members in regard to what you will and won’t do or tolerate. Family can massively contribute to stress and anxiety over the Christmas periods so having clear boundaries for yourself can help to protect your mental health.
The holiday season is meant to be a time of joy and togetherness, not a source of stress and anxiety. By following these top ten tips, you can create a more relaxed and enjoyable Christmas experience for yourself and your loved ones. Plan ahead, set a budget, simplify, delegate, practice self-care, and manage expectations to help keep stress and anxiety at bay. This way, you can focus on what truly matters during the holidays: love and connection.

New Year new Who?

New year new who?

 

Right about now people the world over are realising that they have fallen at the first hurdle. Maybe having that glass of wine when you said you wouldn’t. Missing the gym session or eating the crisps.

I have never believed in New years resolutions. In fact, I HATE new year’s altogether. New year’s resolutions are destined to fail because you are trying to be someone you are not. If on the 31^st of Dec you were not the sort of person who gets up at 6 to go to the gym or the sort of person who always leaves the kitchen tidy before bed then why would you suddenly be that person when you wake on the 1^st of Jan?

 

It doesn’t make sense. All it does is set you up to fail and to feel like shit because of it.

 

But wait…..

 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have goals, things we want to achieve, we just need to take into account our personality types, our current season of life (more on that in a minute) and most importantly WHY we want to achieve this thing.

I find the best way to look at a new year is to have a key word. For example, your word might be HEALTH. Not about losing weight or dieting just overall being healthier.

What does that look like for you? How will you know when you have achieved it?

The next step is to think about what SMALL changes you can make that move you towards that overall aim. If the season of life you are in currently is one of babies and small children at home, is it realistic to think you can get to the gym? If it is, then great but the reality is you probably cannot. So what small step can you do that will help you move towards that goal.

Its FAR easier to complete one small step each day than try to suddenly become someone you are not overnight.

An MOT for the mind…

My car went in for it’s MOT last week. It passed thank goodness but when they handed my the info when I went to get the car it made me think. Having therapy is a bit like having an MOT for the mind.

When you have an MOT on your car they let you know if you have advisories. These are things on the car which whilst they are not bad enough to fail the MOT they do need looking at.

When a client comes to therapy I am the mechanic that’s going to pop the hood and have a look inside.  We can have a look at which thoughts and beliefs are working well for you. Ones that  are helpful and supportive. Those we can give  a ‘Pass’ to.

Then there will be some ‘advisories’. Thoughts and beliefs that have perhaps gone a bit rusty or gotten a bit twisted. So they are no longer working properly for you.  Those we need to pay attention to.

And finally there will be those thoughts that are not helpful at all. Beliefs which are not helping you to move forward in life and achieve your goals. These would be given a fail and need removing.

Do you think you could do with an MOT for your mind? Perhaps we should all be booking in for a yearly MOT!

 

 

‘When you don’t want me is when you most need me, and when you no longer need me is when you most want me’ Nanny McPhee

I had a session with a client last week where we talked about ending therapy. As the sessions are due to end, I always review the client’s journey. I go back to our very first session and we talk about how far they have come. This is very often highly emotional.

In this session both myself and the client became emotional and there were tears from both of us.

Yep, you read that right. From BOTH of us.

 

You see I emotionally invest in my client’s journey. I am cheering them on and willing them to succeed and hit their goals.  Along the way you cannot help but get to know a client inside and out. Part of my job, in fact the main part of my job is to get a client to open up and to share. So of course, it makes sense that I get to know them.

Therapy is a strange job though because for all we build this strong therapeutic relationship based on trust it is temporary and does need to have some boundaries. Much as I would dearly love to go for a glass wine with many of clients and in another life, they would certainly become friends in this job that is not really the way.

And so, after all we share along the way when therapy ends so must the relationship. And this can be hard for both parties. I am often left with unanswered questions. Did they go on to have another baby? Did they ever resolve their issue with their family member? You get the idea.

Sometimes clients are lovely and send me updates, especially if it is new baby news but most of the time, I am left wondering.

From the client’s side they miss having that weekly space to chat, to off load with total honesty. It can be scary to head out on your own after so long together. As part of ending sessions, we talk about all the tools they now have in their backpack to bring out and use whenever life throws a curve ball. Because ‘life’ still happens. Tricky events, sad times, all still happen. But now they are stronger and better able to deal with these things. We talk about the possibility of relapse and what to do in this event.

And although these endings are tinged with sadness ultimately, I like nothing better than hearing a client say they no longer need me.

 

Riding the wave of emotion

Emotions are valuable things, even the ones that leave you paralysed with fear or so raw and broken you don’t know if you will ever recover. They offer you lots of benefits once you know how to process them properly.

Because your emotions are always telling you something. They are natures way of spurring you

into some form of action.

Sometimes it can be difficult to understand how you feel because you can’t name the emotion. Whilst I don’t think we need to get to caught up in words it’s good to know that sometimes we might use a word to describe how we feel without realising the emotion it relates to.

I believe that knowledge is power. In order to gain a better understanding of our emotions and gain more control of them, stop them becoming overwhelming we need to start with naming them properly. This is also really helpful if you are someone who struggles with talking about how you feel.

For example sometimes we might say we feel annoyed, livid, furious, irritated. All of these words relate to the emotion of Anger.

If we feel agitated, bothered, fretful, jumpy, nervy, panicky, tense, uneasy or worried then the emotion would Anxiety.

How about humiliated, undignified, mortified or discredited? These all relate to the emotion of shame.

But where do emotions come from?

First comes the thought then follows the emotion. Our thoughts determine our feelings. If you think about the feelings associated with excitement; tingly, fluttery tummy, hot flush? The same feelings are associated with anxiety. The only difference is the thought.

If we gain better control over our thoughts it’s the building block to gaining control over our emotions.

Asking yourself these questions

Anxiety – What am I scared of?

Sadness- What have I lost?

Anger- How have my values been attacked?

Happiness – what have I gained?

Guilt – what personal rule have I broken?

Once you know how to label your emotions you can start to practice a technique called riding the wave. Imagine your feelings are a like large waves and rather than trying to push the wave back you embrace it. Let it wash over you. Name it and accept it. Acknowledge that this wave is temporary.

Give it a try and let me know how you get on.

One tiny word with a mighty punch.

The word should is such a small seemingly innocent little word but it packs a lot of punch.  This is the dictionary definition of it: used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.

It brings with it a boat load of guilt and unrealistic expectations. Have a think about the last time you used the word ‘should’ I bet you say it more often that you realise.

 

When you hear yourself say ‘I should have tried harder to breast feed’ or even ‘I shouldn’t have shouted at my toddler’ how does that make you feel when you say those words? I am going to guess its not a great feeling. As soon as we say I should have, or I should not have it immediately implies we have done something wrong which then leads to a feeling of guilt.

 

When we use the word Should it has the opposite effect. Imagine saying to yourself ‘I should do the washing’ how does that make you feel? Does it make you feel more like doing it or less like it?

The same goes for the words ‘have to’ they also carry a load of unrealistic expectation.

So, let’s try a little experiment. Let us try changing a few words and see if that changes how we feel.

Let us change should for could.

So ‘I should be making home made food for my children all the time’ becomes ‘I could be making homemade food every day for my children, but I accept that’s not always going to be possible’. Does that feel different?

Or even

I could be making home made food for my children every night, but I am choosing to spend my time doing other things.

This takes back your power. Your choice. It eliminates the feelings of guilt and the weight of expectation.

Think of this scenario. You are feeling resentful because you don’t feel as though your partner is helping you out enough at home or with your children. Have a think of the way the conversation would go if you started with ‘You SHOULD be helping me more’. What do you think their reply will be?

Now imagine saying ‘I would love it if you COULD help me more around the house or with the children’. Do you think that would go any better?

Give it a go and let me know if you see a difference in how you feel but just changing one tiny word.